


For his sake

by pudding_bretzel



Series: ShiroWeek2017 [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe, Blackouts, Canon Divergent, Dark Shiro (Voltron), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Mind Games, Minor Violence, Shiro Week 2017, Takes place sometime after S3E5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-27
Updated: 2017-11-27
Packaged: 2019-02-07 13:24:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12842109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pudding_bretzel/pseuds/pudding_bretzel
Summary: Shiro has escaped captivity once again. But the Galra weren’t just sitting on their hands when they held him captive. They wanted to bring back their Champion. The Champion, that acted on the witch’s command. The Champion, that killed for the Galra. The Champion, that Shiro can’t remember being. But he’s still in there and Haggar is doing everything she can to bring him back.Or: Shiro tries to deal with his headaches on his own until the situation gets out of hand.





	For his sake

**Author's Note:**

> This is part of the blackpaladinweek2017 held over on tumblr.  
> Day 2: Original/Divergent  
> Enjoy!

It had only been a few days since Shiro had successfully escaped the Galra. Again. And just like last time, he couldn’t remember anything.

The first thing he’d felt after waking up on that ship had been fear. Pure terror rising in his chest and screaming at him to _move_ and _run, run, run_. And he made it. He came back to his team. To his family. To safety.

Not being able to pilot the black lion had been a shock, but there was nothing he could do about it but wait. He’d learned what would happen if the connection to the lion was forced and he did _not_ intend to end up like Zarkon.

With the days passing by and him getting used to the headaches that accompanied him since his escape, he started to get into a routine. He was reluctant at first, not knowing what he was supposed to do, how to help his team.

When they were fighting with Voltron he could help Coran in backing up the team with the castles defense systems. But as soon as a mission involved boarding an enemy ship or fighting on a planet’s surface, he was useless. That’s when he went to the training deck to distract himself and not be a nuisance to the team (because a nervous whatever-he-was-now making unnecessary comments was no help to anyone). But he got used to it and was thankful for the little order that routine gave his life on the castle ship.

At least, until everything came crashing down in the span of a few hours.

****

Shiro felt that something was wrong. His headache was growing stronger and ever more persistent with every passing day. It was now a throbbing pain that ran along his temples, through his jaw and down his neck. The pain was too much to suppress anymore and every throb sent a new nauseating feeling down into his stomach. He tried to cope with it on his own for a long time. He took breaks from missions or meetings if he wasn’t necessarily needed. Left the backup to Coran if possible and skipped training sessions more frequently. The team gave him worried looks every time he excused himself and asked if he was going to be okay on his own.

‘I’m just a bit worn out. Just need to take a nap,’ was his rehearsed answer, which the team stopped buying after a few times.

But he didn’t have the nerve to consider their well-meant suggestions about taking it slow and not overdoing it. How could they even say that? They didn’t have such luxury. And it was not like he provided much help in saving the universe right now anyway. Additionally, his throbbing head and a strange wave of pugnacity made it impossible for him to really listen to their words. He’d snapped on them more than he wanted to admit. Mostly for trivial things, such as Lance’s and Keith’s bickering, Pidge’s ramblings or Hunk’s whining. He felt sorry afterwards, but every time he wanted to apologize he felt a new wave of aggression building up inside him, consuming his remorse.

Then came the blackouts.

He woke up at places he didn’t remember going, with his body aching, as if it had been in constant strain. He tried to think of any possible cause of his night-time adventures, but couldn’t think of anything. Not even the database of the infirmary had any clues to his condition.

He started to ignore his blackouts, having no way to do anything against it, but after the fifth incident he wasn’t able to run from this problem anymore.

He’d planned to go and rest in his room because of his headache. But with his condition not getting any better, his team was more worried than ever.

“I’ll go with you,” said Keith, concern written all over his face.

“What, you think I can’t manage to get to my room on my own?” He retorted with a gruff voice before he could stop himself. He knew they were only worried and wanted to make sure he’s okay, but honestly, he felt patronized. He didn’t need someone to hold his hand all the time. He didn’t need their concern or their _pity_. A leader didn’t need any of that. Hell. He hadn’t survived all of this because of the Galras empathy. He’d lived through it because of his own strength and will to survive. He’d live through this too. He wasn’t one to give up because of this splitting headache and continuous tenseness. Never. Not the Champion.

Wait. What?

He wasn’t…He was Takashi Shirogane, the Black Paladin of Voltron. He’s not…the Champion. No prisoner or slave. He didn’t have to live through this alone, like he had in that cold cell. He had teammates, friends, a family to help him now. How could he forget that?

He opened his eyes to look at the others, prepared to see their hurt expressions. He hadn’t meant to snap at them like…wait. When had he closed his eyes?

He was in the corridor that lead to their quarters, at least a four minute long walk away from the lounge where he was just a second ago–

At least that’s what he’d thought…

It happened again and this time he hadn’t even been sleeping. He’d been wide awake but still had another blackout again. And on top of it, Keith was right next to him, talking as if everything was normal. He hadn’t even realized something was wrong. That Shiro hadn’t been there. Not consciously, at least.

“You know that we’re here for you, right?” Keith gave him a concerned look and his brow furrowed in a way, Shiro hadn’t seen since the wormhole incident a few months back. He was seriously worried, as if whatever was happening would be able to do as much damage as Haggar’s damned attack back then.

When the thought of the Altean witch crossed his mind a new wave of pugnacity overcame him. He had never felt it so strong before. It made his mind go fuzzy and his thoughts felt like they’re rampaging in his head. He couldn’t get a hold of a single clear thought.

A pang shot through his head and he gasped for air.

Suddenly there was a new feeling creeping up his confused mind and making its way through the jumbled mess in his head. His hands started shaking first, followed by his shoulders and legs. Sweat began to run down his neck as another stab of pain shot through his head. Panic. Panic of his own mind he could no longer get a hold of.

“Shiro!” Keith was kneeling in front of him, face twisted in worry.

Why was he on his knees. Shiro never…

Oh. It happened again.

Without realizing it, his legs had buckled underneath him.

Panting for air and cradling his head in both hands, he looked at Keith again.

“What’s wrong? Shiro, talk to me!” Judging by his strained throat he seemed to be shouting, but all Shiro heard was a muffled whisper.

The damned brat should better stop shouting or he would rip out his quiznaking tongue and-

No! No, no, no. This wasn’t… He shouldn’t… What was _going on_?

Finally, the panic subsided and he waited for his body to calm down, so he could get a hold of himself. But the opposite happened. The last thing he consciously felt was his left arm reaching out. The last thing he heard was Keith’s muffled and surprised cry.

That wasn’t right. Keith was not supposed to make such a painful sound. Especially not, when Shiro was with him. He should protect the younger boy, keep him from harm and pain. If Keith was crying out in pain, that meant that Shiro was doing a really bad job at keeping him safe.

He had to make sure nothing bad had happened.

When he opened his eyes, he was bent over a pool of vomit, the rancid taste still stuck in the back of his mouth. He was kneeling on the floor, his right hand propped on a wall and his left holding his throbbing head. Before he could even begin to try and grasp the situation, a pang in his head caused another wave of nausea in his stomach. With a gag he threw up the last bit of his lunch, while trying not to lose the grip on the wall and falling right into the mess.

Once his stomach was emptied and the throbbing pain had weakened he slowly tried to stand upright. Waiting for his blurred vision to return to normal, he tried to make out where he was. But the corridors in the castle looking almost exactly the same didn’t make this any easier.

What was he doing here? He couldn’t remember why he was in this corridor or where he had been going. This looked like the corridor leading to their quarters, but he wasn’t quite sure. Maybe he’d wanted to go to his room.

He winced when a quiet moan resounded from the walls. He turned to the source of the sound and froze.

Only a few feet away on the white floor, lied Keith, motionless. On his forehead Shiro could see blood, leaking out from a wound above his right eye. The wall next to his unconscious friend was stained with dark red blood.

Sucking in a sharp breath, Shiro began to understand what had happened. What he’d done to his friend.

Within seconds the panic was back, making his legs wobble and his hands shake. He turned the opposite direction and _ran_. He couldn’t stay here. Not when he still didn’t know what was happening. Why he attacked his friend. Why he couldn’t remember doing so. But he wouldn’t be stupid enough to go back to Keith or the others. He wouldn’t put them in needless danger, as long as he didn’t know what was going on.

He stumbled aimlessly through the empty halls of the castle for a few minutes until he finally slowed his pace and tried to calm down.

His panic and pugnacity had a competition over which emotion would drive him insane first. The fear of himself, of the things he did or the things he could do, or the pugnacity, wanting to crush and destroy everything in this damned castle. Then he would be free, right? He could go back. Back to her. She would take care of him, like she did back then. If only these quiznaking kids would stop to poison his mind with false hopes and promises. The only place where he could be safe was with her. He belonged to her side. The Champion had no place here.

Huh. So the pugnacity was winning. Quiznak.

“Shiro!” The quiet shout echoing through the halls yanked him out of his thoughts and his head started throbbing again. Would this never stop?

“Where are you?”

“Shiro, please! Answer us!”

A quiet moan escaped his mouth as he cradled his head in both hands. Slowly, he staggered onward in the opposite direction of where the shouting came from.

He managed to walk for a few minutes, the shouting growing more distant with every second, when the castles speakers came to life and Coran’s voice merged with the others.

“I found him.” Shiro stopped and searched the area hastily. There’s no way Coran had already caught up to him. The others were nowhere near him and he’d made sure to walk away from them, not towards them. But where was…Oh. The bridge. He used the castles security systems to find him. Just like they’d found Ulaz, when he’d infiltrated the castle. “He’s in the lower levels near the pod bay.”

The pod bay? He’d never intended to come here, but his legs had taken him here on their own accord. Maybe he should just knock some sense in them with his right arm and hope they would listen to him again. Or maybe the pugnacity still had the upper hand and he wasn’t thinking clearly.

Suddenly there were steps behind him growing louder and louder.

“Shiro!”

Not good!

Why were they here already? Had he been standing around for that long?

He turned around and saw two paladins running towards him. Allura and Keith. Keith? But he had been unconscious just a few minutes ago, lying on the ground with the wound Shiro had inflicted. And now he was up again, running (with a small stagger, but _running_ )? The blood on his face had dried and the wound seemed to have stopped bleeding. Maybe he hadn’t hurt him that bad after all.

Quiznak. He should have put more force into his attack. Maybe then he could’ve cracked his skull or–

A pang and his mind stood still again, the pain, pugnacity and fear were the only things existing. He tried to concentrate on the fear, tried to swallow down the pugnacity, but it was just so overwhelming. And it felt…safe. As if giving in would stop the pain. He could be free again. Not a prisoner in his own body and mind, caught between the wish to die, because of the constant fear that wouldn’t let him find peace, and the wish to lock himself up, because of the pugnacity that made his actions unpredictable even for himself.

“Shiro, what is going on? Why did you attack Keith?”

A hand rested on his shoulder and his head snapped back up, just to see Keith watching him with a reluctant but worried expression. Allura was next to him, her hands folded in front of her chest and a similar look to Keith’s, but with less reluctance. She had no reason to be. After all, he hadn’t tried to smash _her_ head against the wall.

 _Not yet_.

With a yelp he staggered backwards until his back crashed into the wall. “Stay away from me!” he managed between shallow breaths.

“What? Shiro–” Keith made a step forward reaching out with one hand.

“I told you to _stay away_!” He snarled and felt his heart pounding faster in his chest, pumping more blood through his veins. Filling his body with adrenaline to prepare him to fight for his life. But he didn’t intend to let it come to this. When he heard more footsteps coming closer, he knew that this was his last chance to get away. He could trick two of them, making an opening for him to get away, but that wouldn’t work against all five of them.

With a huff he pushed himself away from the wall and ran towards the pod bay. But he miscalculated. Maybe he was faster than them under normal circumstances, but in his current condition it took Keith only a second to grab his natural arm and stop him. He turned to Keith and saw the teens wide eyes. Was he scared of him? If so, good. None of them should trust him right now. He didn’t trust himself right now either.

“Let go of me,” Shiro growled and he could feel his face twist in fury.

“Shiro, what– Please!” The pleading voice was so muffled that Shiro could barely hear it, but he knew defiance when he saw it.

“I said, let go of me!” He shouted the last few words as he grabbed the collar of Keith’s jacket. His prosthetic hummed to life and he heard the muffled screams of the others.

 _No. Please, no_ , he screamed in his mind while his body moved on its own.

He didn’t dare to open his eyes. He didn’t _want_ to open his eyes. Afraid of what he would see.

His hand stuck in Keith’s head. Or his head completely severed from his torso. Or perhaps Allura had thrown herself in front of Keith and he’d killed her instead. Maybe he’d killed all of them. Not that it would make any difference to the amount of blood that already stained his hands. He would never be able to atone for all the lifes he’d taken in one lifetime. Or was this his atonement? Losing his sanity and attacking his friends? Maybe it was.

The choice was taken from him, when his eyes snapped open and he looked at Keith’s face. His not split or melted face. His unhurt face, except for the wound on his forehead.

Then he noticed the heat next to his face that came from his still activated prosthetic and the strong grip on his right biceps, holding his arm back. The next thing he noticed was the tugging sensation on his chest and legs as Pidge’s bayard wrapped around him. With a crackle her bayard activated and Shiro screamed.

His body jerked as the electricity made his heart skip a beat and sent his blood shooting through his veins. Another spasm rippled through his body and carried him off his feet. Before he hit the floor, his mind drifted away and he finally passed out.

****

Shiro woke up lying on his back. Immediately he felt the pain in his body. His muscles felt sore, just trying to move his fingers hurt and breathing sent a sharp pain down his throat and chest. Even swallowing left him with a pricking sensation in the back of his throat as if he’d screamed. A lot. He was exhausted.

His head on the other hand…He couldn’t remember the last time it’d felt so light. Not a single throb shot through his head and down his nape. Until now he hadn’t realized how severe his headaches had been. How they had clouded his mind and made it so difficult to think.

He heard a quiet hum to his right and his eyes snapped open. The bright light made him wince and he immediately squeezed his eyes shut again.

“Back with us again, Number One?” A voice said wary and cautious. He opened his eyes again, this time slower. He tried to lift his hand to shield off the light, but he couldn’t move his arm an inch. That was when he felt the straps holding him down. Both his legs and arms were bound to the cold table beneath him. The purple light flickered slightly when his eyes finally got accustomed. Fast breaths escaped his mouth as the panic came crawling back. He searched the room for _them_ , but they were nowhere to be seen. Neither was she. He was alone, just like the last time, only that they had learned from their mistakes. This time he was tied up, making it impossible for him to move. And to breath.

The strap over his chest bent with his panicked breaths but cut off the air to his lungs. The air wouldn’t reach his lungs and he couldn’t breathe, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t breathe-

“Calm down! You’re okay! You’re safe, it’s safe here!” The voice again, every hint of calmness gone and replaced by dread and horror. But he was alone. How was there a voice when he was completely alone. Was he finally going insane?

And he still couldn’t breathe!

“Close your eyes, Shiro!”

He did as he was told to and hoped the voice would go away. But it didn’t. “Now breathe. In and out. Can you do that?”

He was trying! He was _trying_ to breathe, couldn’t they see? But it just wouldn’t go past his chest, because this damned strap wouldn’t let it!

“Do it with me. Slow and steady. In,” He heard a deep inhale and he mimicked. “And out.” The air escaped their lungs with a loud exhale and he mimicked again. Then they repeated it. And again. And again.

They stayed like this for several minutes, until he finally stopped sweating and his heart wasn’t racing in his chest anymore.

After a few more seconds of silence he dared to open his eyes again. Instead of purple walls and lights he was greeted by the white and blue colors of the castle of lions.

Coran stood next to him, his hands on the edge of the bed Shiro was laying on. Its soft cushions supported his sore muscles and the feathery pillows made his head feel even lighter. He relaxed and sank even further into the cloud-like bed.

The Altean’s face was twisted in a frown with more wrinkles than Shiro’s ever seen on his face. It looked wrong on him, made him look ten times older than he probably was. Coran’s gaze was locked onto Shiro and he watched him intently, waiting.

He hadn’t said anything since his panic attack. But what was he supposed to say?

“Coran, I–?” He started at the sound of his hoarse voice. Coran didn’t seem surprised by it and relief settled over his face.

“Good to have you back, Number One.” He patted Shiro’s arm, his lips curling to a smile that didn’t quite reach up to his eyes.

“What happened?” He was almost too afraid to ask, but he needed to know why he was strapped down to a bed. (Which, by the way, made him feel very uneasy, but he was sure- or at least hoped- his friend had a good reason for doing this to him.)

“What is the last thing you remember?” Coran’s smile disappeared as fast as it came and was replaced by an exhausted frown.

“I…We were in the lounge and…and then Keith and I were on our way to the quarters. Then I-” His eyes widened in horror when the memories came flooding back to his mind. “I attacked Keith!” He teared his gaze away from the Altean and searched the room frantically, but there was no one else in the room aside from the two of them. “Where is he? Is he okay? Are the others-” He choked on his breath and his throat corded up, his breathing already picking up again.

Coran was there in an instant, his hand on Shiro’s shoulder. “They’re all fine. No one is hurt.”

“But Keith. I-”

“He’s already been in a pod. It took only a varga and he was as good as new.” Another smile, but this time his eyes lit up as well, overflooding Shiro with reassurance. A relieved sigh escaped his mouth and his breathing calmed again.

“Where is everyone?”

“We received a distress signal from Obrox. But that was three vargas ago, so they should be back soon.” With every passing second, it seemed as if Coran’s mood was rising bit by bit. His positivity helped to steady Shiro and grounded him. Not having to think about the last however long it has been and relaxing like he hadn’t been able to in…well, in a long time, was nice.

Suddenly a soft alarm went off and Coran’s hand slipped off Shiro’s shoulder. “Talking of the mjeldor.” He gave Shiro another smile and took the holographic tablet from the table next to the bed. A swift motion with his thumb and a familiar voice crackled through the comm’s line.

“Coran, we’re on our way. We’ll be back in a few doboshes.” Allura said, her voice accompanied with a touch of exhaustion.

“How is he?” Another voice interjected before Coran could even try to counter something. Keith.

“Oh, he’s awake,” Coran said and turned to look at Shiro again.

“Like, him-him or _him_?” That was Hunk. He hadn’t heard Hunk sound this anxious since they’d first arrived at the castle.

“Shiro’s all with us. So you better hurry back,” Coran answered with a teasing smile.

Gasps of relief echoed through the comm and with that the line was disconnected.

“Coran,” Shiro said before the Altean could even move, “what is going on?”

The alien looked up from the tablet. “Right, we were interrupted,” He layed the tablet back on the table and took his position by Shiro’s bed once again. “You remember that Number Five had to paralyze you with her bayard, right?”

Shiro gave a small nod.

“We decided to bring you to the infirmary and find out what pushed you into…attacking the others, but…” He trailed off and his gaze wandered to the straps on Shiro’s hands.

“But?” Shiro almost didn’t want to know the answer.

“Before we were able to really start to look at you, you woke up.”

“What? But I didn’t… A-at least I don’t–” He cut himself off.

Of course, he couldn’t remember. He never remembered. He’d had many blackouts over the past few weeks. Holes in his memory, cut in like an acid, biting through metal and not leaving a single trace. Except for the splitting headaches, the nausea and his aching body.

“No. It wasn’t ‘you’ who woke up.”

Shiro swallowed hard. He really didn’t want to know. He knew he should know, but he was too afraid of what the truth would hold. What he’d tried to suppress this whole time, that was now breaking free and endangering his team. “Who…,” was all he managed to say between heavy breaths.

“He called himself ‘Champion’,” Coran said.

Shiro had known it was coming, but he couldn’t stop himself from tensing at the name. “He attacked us. Managed to give us some nasty bruises, but the paladins tackled you- him down and we had to sedate him.” He turned to Shiro again and looked him in the eye, guilt mirrored in his expression. “We had to strap you to the bed. We…we didn’t have a choice. He demanded us to let him go or he would kill us. Said he needed to go back to her. But he never said who she was, only that she would keep him safe.”

Shiro sucked in a sharp breath at the mention of _her_. Slowly his breaths quickened, and the fear and panic came rushing back.

He could see the glint of her eyes and her sickening grin, both etched into his mind. He remembered her touch on his skin, her nails digging deep into his flesh and her mind invading his and molding it to her desire. The memories felt so real. _Are_ too real.

Suddenly he felt it. The place where only he should be, taken by her and something- some _one_ else. Filled with too much. It felt like it was about to burst in thousand teeny bits and pieces, leaving nothing of him behind.

Her bony fingers traced along his mind, leaving trails of her corrupted magic behind. He followed her, touch after touch after touch. He could feel that he was getting closer, his fear and pugnacity rising again. He needed to get there. Needed to get her out of there. She was not supposed to be there. He reached out with his mind, trying to drag her out, but a sudden pang tore him away and out of his mind.

His eyes snapped open again and he immediately realized that _he_ had been in control again, because he was not alone with Coran anymore. The other paladins were surrounding him, worried, angry and confused expressions looking at him.

“Shiro?”

“Buddy, is that you?”

“Please, answer us.”

“C’mon, Shiro!”

“Stop crowding him,” Coran stepped between his bed and the paladins.

It felt so wrong, him lying on this bed, weak as he was and them watching him with all this concern, trying to figure out why he was so out of it. But he wasn’t their leader anymore. He didn’t have to pretend to be the strong and reserved leader. He was just another dweller in this too big castle with no real purpose. And now he was keeping them all from saving the universe.

“’M sorry,” he rasped and all gazes turned to him again.

“What?” Hunk gave him a confused look.

“Dude, you have no reason to be sorry.”

“Yeah, Lance is right,” Pidge crossed her arms in front of her chest and threw him a set look.

He wanted to answer back, but a pang shot through his head, stronger than any before. Hot pain flashed behind his eyes and sent a sickening feeling down his throat. The wave of nausea tore at his gullet until he couldn’t bear it any longer. He retched and tried to sit up, but failed with the straps around his chest holding him down. Panic filled his mind as the retches grew stronger and he couldn’t breathe. He threw his head to the side and ended up vomiting on the pillow. Having already thrown up all his lunch before, the only thing he had left to vomit was bile. And he did so, possibly record-breaking.

When he was finished he sucked in ragged breathes and felt the bile dampen his shoulder and his neck.

“Woah, Shiro!”

“What the hell?”

He opened his eyes blearily and saw Keith’s blurred face. The wound on his forehead was gone, just like Coran had said and his skin also looked healthier than before.

He let out a relieved, shaky breath and the pain and fear subsided. “Keith,” he huffed. His voice was barely a whisper, but Keith’s expression of horror changed to relief and he let out an equally shaky breath.

“How are you?”

Shiro didn’t answer. The pain in his head came crawling back slowly and he had to close his eyes again, trying to block out the blinding light. He wanted the pain to stop, to leave him alone and have a moment of rest, after weeks and weeks of pain. Now that he finally knew what the cause of the pain was, he was more afraid of it than ever. And it was growing stronger and stronger, slowing down his mind and making it harder to think clearly. She must have felt him. Felt, that he was seeing through her game.

“Shiro?”

He groaned as another pang shot through his head and down his neck.

“M’ head‘s…killin’ me,” His slurred voice was barely more than a whisper.

“Do you have something like a painkiller?” Lance’s voice was distant, but he could hear the worried undertone.

“Sure,” said Coran as steps started to resound and a shuffling followed right after. “You can paralyze a horde of yelmors with this.” Shiro managed to crack his eyes open and saw Coran holding a small bottle of…something in his hand.

“Good, but I think a small dose will be enough for his headache,” Pidge said.

“Of course, he’s not a yelmor, after all,” Coran said with his usual chipper voice, trying to lift the mood.

He made his way back to the bed and through the crowd of paladins. He filled a syringe with the liquid from the bottle and brought it close to Shiro’s arm. Too close for his comfort.

His body tensed again and he started shivering uncontrollably. “No…Won’t help,” he slurred and tried to move away from the syringe. Coran stopped and looked at Shiro with a hesitant movement.

“What do you mean ‘It won’t help’?” Lance said incredulous.

Well, for starters, if this painkiller wasn’t also some kind of miracle healing that would also banish her from his mind, it would only leave him even weaker,almost defenseless against her attacks.

Good. Now he only had to tell them. But talking was really hard right now, with the now constant pain and her digging deeper and deeper in his mind. What was she even doing there?

“Shiro?”

Oh, right. Lance.

“T’s her. She won’t…s’op.” He closed his eyes again, relaxing from the strain of talking.

“She?”

“Not you too, Shiro.”

“Um, this is starting to get really creepy.”

“Only now?”

“Shiro?”

He pried open his eyes and looked at Allura, who was standing at the other end of the bed and gave him a pensive look. “Who are you talking about?”

His gaze trailed from her eyes to her markings. The same she had, except Allura’s didn’t look like bloody tear tracks, etched into her skin. Right, Allura is also Altean and she has been able to overpower her. Perhaps, she could help him. He would rather have Allura digging in his head, than that damned witch.

He mustered up his strength and waited for the last pang to subside.

“Haggar.”

Allura’s expression darkened and he could see pure fury etched into her features. “Do you know what she’s doing?”

“Diggin’…an’…Nng.”

Another pang, followed by another wave of nausea. It must’ve shown on his face, because the others were at his side in an instant. Hunk tried to help him sit up, in case he threw up again and failed miserably at it, with the straps still holding Shiro down. Lance stood next to him, in his hand a…bucket? When did he get a bucket? But this time he managed to keep from throwing up, swallowing the bile down again. “’S okay,” he slurred and tried to give them a reassuring smile.

As soon as he relaxed into the pillow again Allura walked up to his left and put her hand on his shoulder. He could feel her cold hand through his sweat-soaked top and only then realized how hot his skin was. Closing his eyes, he exhaled a long, shaky breath and felt his mind drifting away again with the help of Allura’s calming and grounding touch.

“Shiro,” her soft voice sounded muffled, as if she was talking to him through a thick pane. With too much effort than it should’ve cost him, he cracked his eyes open again. “I can feel her magic. I can help you to lift her curse, but you will have to guide me, else I might…It is hard to see where she ends and you start,” She gave him a look filled with guilt, “I’m so sorry, Shiro. If I would only have noticed this earlier.”

Before he could even think about a counter to reassure her, another pang rippled through his head and body and he seized, his back arching and his chest wrenching at the straps. She was getting desperate. He could feel it as if it was his own emotion. She felt that he’d found her out and she was running out of time.

“’S okay.”

“No, it’s not. But it will be,” she said with a firm voice and moved behind his back. She placed both her hands on either side of his head. “You said you could feel her?”

He gave her a small nod, “Almos’ had her… but she…,” he started trembling at the thought of her presence. Getting close to her meant nothing good. Every time it happened he’d felt the loss of control over his body and the excruciating pain.

“Don’t worry. I already managed to shield off her magic once and I will do it again.” Her warm smile filled him with hope and faith. “I won’t allow that witch to hurt my friends anymore.” While she managed to control the tremor in her hands, the grudge in her voice was unmistakable.

“Can we help somehow?” Hunk’s unsure voice stood in contrast with his determined expression to do anything in his power to help him. The others nodded in agreement and gave Allura a questioning look.

“I fear not. It’s safest if we do this alone. I’m not sure I can protect all of you from her.” The other’s shoulders drooped and they shared downcast looks.

“But don’t worry,” her expression softened. “We can do this.” She looked down to Shiro and her confidence washed all his doubt away and filled him with new strength. Strength he didn’t know he still possessed. That was when he realized, that she was already using her magic, the pain in his temples slowly decreasing.

“Are you ready?” She asked as her touch continued to soothe him. He nodded determinedly. “Good. Close your eyes and try to concentrate on her presence.”

He did as he was told and closed his eyes.

The darkness of his own mind engulfed him and dragged him away almost immediately. It wasn’t hard to find her disrupting presence in the depth of the darkness. A black-violet lightning was spreading and rippling in his mind, rampaging like a crazed animal that was desperate to find its prey. With Allura’s guidance and protection he was able to get closer to her than ever before. He still felt the pain, but it was duller than before and almost felt like a distant memory that tried to crawl back into his mind. The continuous tugs and drags at his consciousness ripped away parts of him, making them scream in agony. She slowly took him apart, with no thought wasted on the outcome of her violation.

Why was she doing this? It made no sense for her to just rip him apart like this. He’d done everything she wanted. Had dirtied his hands for her and fractured his own mind for her. Wasn’t that enough?

Pugnacity crawled up in his mind and tugged at him. It felt almost desperate and…scared?

Shiro felt it surrounding him and nearly lost his connection to Allura, but her calming and warm presence kept swirling around him like a soft veil.

Outside of her protection he could see a dark magenta-black slime dampening her white radiance. It spread at an alarming rate and covered both Allura and Shiro whole in a matter of seconds. Allura tried to get rid of the slime with desperation, but it was no use. It almost looked like it tried to hide them from Haggar.

 _Get away_ , a desperate and familiar voice whispered in Shiro’s mind. It took him a frustrating long amount of time to realize whose voice this was-

It was his own.

Shiro froze and watched the slime as it continued to struggle against the veil. Through a small gap in the muddle he could see that the sickly black-violet lightning had stopped ripping at him and had turned to watch him with a sickly contentment emitting from it.

 _There you are_ , her voice seeped through the slime and veil and made Shiro recoil. But her words weren’t meant for him, he realized.

The slime stopped moving and Shiro swore it started trembling with panic. _Get away_ , it said, its voice trembling, _not safe here_.

With a sudden force the slime was ripped away from Allura’s veil and landed next to the lightning with a loud shriek.

 _I’ve finally found you_ , the lightning whispered, as it stretched its arms around the now unmoving slime on the ground. For a moment the crackles and streaks that made up its being stopped and they both stood still.

Shiro didn’t dare to move an inch and felt the same confusion he felt emitting from Allura.

With a sudden movement the lightning turned and said with Haggar’s unnerving voice, _Now I only have to get rid of this redundant burden_.

Before Shiro could even comprehend her words, she lunged forward and ripped at the veil with her countless arms, multiplying them with every second. She was strong. Too strong. She stripped off several parts of the white radiance surrounding Shiro and the pain returned stronger than ever before. A scream escaped his mouth as she tore him apart. He felt himself, slipping from his grasp and leaving behind a void that started to grow with every brutal tear.

Hope, love, desperation, happiness. It all faded into the void and left him with nothing but _pain, pain, pain_.

As the veil started to fade bit by bit his mind started to stutter and slow down. There was nothing to care about anymore. Nothing that had any meaning to his empty mind, other than the pain and the void.

He barely noticed the crackling arms still tugging at him. He barely noticed the faint remnants of the radiant veil as it disappeared. But what he did notice was the sudden rumbling of the ground and the void slowly closing. He did notice the whirling heat that engulfed the lightning’s arms and started to burn them to ashes, the strong tide that washed away the remains and the vibrant roots gathering and stitching together his torn mind.

The lightning fought back desperately, regrowing new arms with every second. But the heat was ungiving and burnt the arms down at an alarming rate. She had no chance of winning here anymore.

He watched his friend’s overpowering attacks as his mind was filled with love and gratefulness at the display of their care and determination to protect him. Underlining their solidarity, the radiant veil also returned and covered him, mitigating his pain.

With its light illuminating the darkness something else caught his attention. The strange dark slime was still lying motionless on the ground. No, it wasn’t completely motionless. He could see its tremors as it watched the lightning being burned repeatedly. It feared for her.

Slowly it started to back away from the brutal scene and Shiro finally realized that it wasn’t afraid for her. It was afraid _of_ her.

It crawled further away and the trembling continued to shake its swirling form. Aside from the fear Shiro could feel something else emitting from it. Anger, fury- pugnacity. He felt all the emotions that had overtaken him in the past few weeks. Emotions that he hadn’t been able to control and that had drowned and concealed his mind ever since his escape from the Galra back then. Ever since Haggar had corrupted his mind. And then, finally, Shiro understood. What Haggar was after. What had happened to him and why he’d lost control over his own actions.

When a loud shriek rang out, Shiro was torn from his thoughts and brought back to the fight, where the last bit of Haggar’s lightning was finally burning to ashes. As her anguished pain echoed through his mind he saw the slime tensing and charging at his friends, trying to do what it thought was right. The other four presences turned and prepared for a counter to defend their friend’s mind from any more damage, trying to do what they thought was right.

Shiro did likewise and managed to step between the two parties before any harm was done. All five of them stopped immediately and looked at him with radiating confusion and barely controlled curiosity due to his interference.

 _It’s okay_ , he told them with as calm a voice as he managed after all that had happened, _I’m safe_.

His friends backed away from him hesitantly. Suddenly the whirling heat burst forward and brushed his mind with its anger and worry. _But there’s still-_

 _Don’t worry, it’s okay_ , Shiro looked at the slime hiding behind him and trying its best to control its emotions, _We’ll be okay_.

The heat was carefully washed away by the cool waves and slowly their presence grew weaker.

 _We’ll wait for you_. The veil softly untangled and together with the others, gradually disappeared until the only things he could feel were his own and the others mind.

He turned around to see the slime fading away as well.

 _Wait_ , he said and the other froze. _You saved me_.

It was no question, because he knew what- who this was with certainty, and what he had done for him.

 _Thank you_ , he quickly spoke before the other was completely gone. He had a feeling, that it would take some time and hard work until he would be able to talk to him again to figure this out once and for all. But for the time being this would have to be enough.

He relaxed and took in the peace that had finally settled down in his mind again. He still felt the small cracks, left behind from the swiftly closed void and the mess of his stitched self, put together just for the sake of not being apart. He knew it would be hard to heal all this damage for good and to return to who he once was. All his emotions whirring in a gigantic mess so that he could barely tell them apart from each other. But through all this jumble he also felt something that he hadn’t thought he would ever be able to feel again.

There was no interference to stop the soothing purrs to reach him anymore. For the first time in a long time he was able to relish in the soft glint and brushing gust that he’d almost forgotten what it felt like.

He wasn’t alone in this anymore. He finally dared to feel safe and just fall into a deep, deep slumber, releasing all the tension he’d held onto for all this time and knowing that he didn’t have to fear anything anymore.

He could relish the calm and rest for now. His friends would watch his sleep and his returned partner would protect his mind from danger.


End file.
